A MAN WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS
wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna (Bihar).
At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his
colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.
His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy
event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...
The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the
wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.
The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"
The man explained, "If its the second neighbor who has taken
care,then the name would be "DWIVEDI";
If it is the third neighbor then it would
be "TRIVEDI",
If it is the fourth neighbor then it
would be "CHATURVEDI" ;
If its the fifth neighbor then it would
be "PANDEY"...
After listening to this, questions followed.
What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
"Then the boy would be named "MISHRA"...
And what if the wife is too shy to tell
the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be "SHARMA"...
But what if she refuses to divulge the
name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...
If she does not remember the name then?
"It is YAAD-AV"
But who knows whether the child resulted
from a rape?
Then it will be named "DOSHI"...
Finally, if the child happened because
of wife's burning desire?
Then he will be named "JOSHI"...
And if the whole country had made efforts
for the happy arrival?....
"DESHPANDEY. "
June 30, 2008
Baby Names in Bihari Style.....
June 19, 2008
Chaman Bhai Ki Kahani
Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle
Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai....
Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game
bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey
hain...
Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat
karta hai... kuch is tarah se...
Chaman : Kya re ? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai?
Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai.
Chaman : Phir kaisey himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein?
Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi.
Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuch sach sach bata kya aur kaisey
hua?
Mujrim : Abhi kya na.. Idhar naake pe apun paan khaney ke liye
aaya...
Chaman : Phir ?
Murjim : Apun khade hokey paan kharela tha... aur utney mein
samney wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi...
Chaman : Aage bol
Mujrim : Udhar teesrey maaley pe ek chikni khadi hui thi
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usney ishaara kiya aaney ke
liye..
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuch kaam hoyenga usko..... to apun
builidng ke neeche gaya
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Usney Isharey se apun ko upar bulaaya... apun seedi
chadte yehich sochrela tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda
nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Chal fatafat aagey bol
Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaakey bola.... kya kaam hai.. kaiko
ishara kiya apun ko?
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usney ghar ke andar kheech
liya
Chaman : (Excited) Phir ?
Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki
"Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol
Mujrim : Usney apun ka haath pakad liya
Chaman : Accha... Phir?
Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadtey hi apun phir socha
"Chaman Bhai ka area hai...... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Phir kya tha... Usney bola chikney meri pyaas bujha de
Chaman : Phir tu kya bola (Getting Excited) ?
Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne apna duppata neechey gira diya
Chaman : To phir kya hua ?
Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ki dahi ho gaya, kya mammey (boobs) they
saali ke...lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha "Chaman Bhai ka area
hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ?
Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega.....
zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka....
Aakhir, "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Toh phir ?
Mujrim : Usney apun ko kheech liya.... sacchi bolta hai bhai
aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha.
Chaman : Haan, woh to hai.... Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up)
Mujrim : Phir kya tha.... apun ne kiss kiya, mammey (boobs) bhi
dabaya... lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka
area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey bol ?
Mujrim : Phir usney apni kameez utar di
Chaman : Phir ?
Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha
tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai.... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : Aagey aagey ?
Mujrim : phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di
Chaman : sahi mein?
Mujrim : phir meri pant keech li
Chaman : Accha ?
Mujrim : meri underwear mein haath dal diya
Chaman : oh !!
Mujrim : chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha "Chaman
Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman : (Getting frustrated). .
Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraaney lagi
Chaman : (Half Boiling)
Mujrim : phir mooh ghumaaney lagi..... phir bhi apun yehi soch
raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: (About to blast) Aagey... aagey bol saley...
Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii.. ...lekin bhai kasam
se......main yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai.....
Lafda nahi karne ka"
Chaman: Abey teri to... Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Chudaney.... . tu
aage bol !
Mujrim : Yehich...... yehich - apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai.....aur
game baja dala.!!!
Mummon Pe Ek Sher
Jab tere chikoo the, sab tere pichhu the,
Jab tere aam hue, sab pareshan hue,
J tere kharbuje hue, bade ajube hue,
J tere jhool gaye, sab tujhe bhool gaye.
Akbar aur Randi Ki Kahani
Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi.
Itni zor se naachi ke sabke bulb phuse ho gaye. Akbar bahut khush ho gaya.
Usne randi ko kaha, "Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan?
Sona-chandi, heere-moti, jaageer.... kya chahiye, bol.
Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de......uski behen utha li jayegi."
Randi bahut khush hui muh maange inaam ki baat sunke. Par woh bahut hi kuti kism ki aurat thi.
Uske shanne dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha.
Woh Akbar se boli, "Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamat mile to kuch arz karoon".
Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha. Woh bola, "Jo marzi maang, Jamna darling".
Randi boli, "Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgadi pe tatti karni hai."
Ek baar to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI pagal to nahin ho gayi ?
Lekin woh manaa bhi nahin kar sakta tha....promise jo kar diya tha.
Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut seasoned campaigner thi.... woh nahin maani.
Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date dedi.
Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa dega, par kutiya maan ke nahin deti thi.
Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya, Akbar ki haalat khasta ho gayi....usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya.
Usne Birbal se kaha ki ab mughal sultanat ki izzat usi ke haath mein hai.
Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe use apni maa gali -gali, nachwani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.
Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka.
saale ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah - subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara.
Kehne lagi, "Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon... jaldi se raajgaddi pe haggi maarne ki vyawastha kijiye."
Akbar ne phatey rumal ke tarah Birbal ki taraf dekha. Birbal to kutai ki tarah has raha tha.
Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, "Jamnabai, tumne tatti karne ki demand ki thi....so karo.
Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar pet mein ghusa ke pheet se nikaal doonga."
Randi ko samajh aa gaya ki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se nahin, Birbal se pada hai.
Woh chup - chaap uthi aur ghar chali gayi.
4 Gujju Wives
Once 4 Gujju (Gujrati) wives met at a party talking about their husbands new cellular phones....
First gujju wife says to others... "Maro pati ne pass mota laura (motorola) che!....
Second gujju wife replies.."Aree sirf mota laura thi kya hoga? errection(ERICSSON) chahiye!....
So the third gujju wife step a up & says..."aree mota laura bhi thick hai, errection bhi thick hai, Par semen (seimens) nahi to kya fayda?...
And then the fourth said..
"Mota laura bhi ho, errecson bhi ho, semen bhi ho, lekin na kiya(nokiya) tho kya fayda??....Nachaniya
Ek Shayar Ki Kahani
A very chodu shaayar made it to the marriage party of Nizam's daughter. He was behaving pretty well when some people asked him to say a sher. These people were expecting something nice from him when he started...
SHER KAHE, SHAYARI KAHE YA GAYE KOI GANA
SHER KAHE, SHAYARI KAHE YA GAYE KOI GANA
TERI NANI PAIR UTHAYE, CHODE MERA NANA !
People were shocked to hear this though this shayar had a famous background of telling some really gandu shayaris. But this being a Royal Marriage, people requested him to say something about the wedding. To humare shayar sahab ne farmaya...
KYA HASEEN FIZZAA HAI INTAZAM KI...
People - WAH!, WAH, IRSHAAD, IRSHAAD !!!!
KYA HASEEN FIZZAA HAI INTAZAM KI...
KYA HASEEN FIZZAA HAI INTAZAM KI...
CHUDEGI AAJ LAUNDI NIZAM KI.
People were really angry to hear this. (probably most of them were not like us). They started abusing and throwing stones at him. On this he again started...
AIYE DHARTI KE CHAAND SITARON...
This calmed people a bit.
AIYE DHARTI KE CHAAND SITARON...
MAA KE LAUDON, PATTHAR TO NA MARO
People went out of control this time and started beating and kicking him. He begged for mercy but they were not ready to listen to him anymore, so he finally stated.
GARDISH MAIN HAI SITARE GAND MARLO HAMARI..
GARDISH MAIN HAI SITARE GAND MARLO HAMARI....
JAB BAHARE-CHAMAN MAIN HONGE, MAA CHOD-DENGE TUMHARI...
Rest is history. But the history stayed with him when he grew up. Ab jaahir hai ki aise chutiye ke prem me koi padega nahi. To yeh shayar Hyderabaad se Bombai pyaar ka chakkar chalane ke liye aaya.
Ek din usne ek achchhi ladki ko dekha. Ladki ka dhyaan kahi aur tha to shaayar sahaab ne wahi farma diya...
MUDHKAR ZARA IDHAR BHI DEKH ZAALIM
KE TAMANNA HUM BHI RAKHTE HAI
CHUT TERE PAAS HAI TO KYA
LUND HUM BHI RAKHTE HAI
You won't believe it. But the girl liked this shayri and she fell for him. Things went well for them for next few days lekin woh ladki kuch aage nahi badhne deti thi.
To ek suhane mousam pe humare dost ne use kahe hi dala...
DIL TO DIYA HAI TUJHE, PAR EK SHART LAGAYI HAI
LENI HAI WOH CHEEZ, JO TUNE TANGO ME CHHEEPAYI HAI
That was it! Ladki ek dam ruth gayi aur shayar se milna jhulna chhod diya. To shayar ki haalat bhi kharab ho gayi. Dost log bhi khairat puchhne chale aaye.
To cheer him up, they requested him to say a sher dedicated to her. So he goes...
BEDARD ZAMANA KYA JAANE
KYA CHEEZ JUDAAI HOTI HAI
HUM LUND PAKAD KAR BAITHE HAI
JABKI GHAR GHAR ME CHUDAI HOTI HAI
Yeh sunkar dost log hil gaye. Koi bola lund ko sambhalo. To koi kaheta hai ki agar lund ko pakad kar baitho ge to mutne kaise jaoge? To shayar bolta hai...
KOUN KAHETA HAI KI LUND YAHAN MUTNE-KO AATA HAI?
KOUN KAHETA HAI KI LUND YAHAN MUTNE-KO AATA HAI?
ARE WOH TO CHUT KI YAAD ME AANSU BAHANE AATA HAI
Yeh sun kar sab dost log aur bhi pareshaan ho gaye. Ek dost se to yeh suna bhi nahi gaya. To woh dost bolta hai ki mei kaise bhi karke teri darling ko waapis bulaunga.
Tere paas waapis aake tujh pe ek ehsaan karne khi bhikh mangooga.
Ab aap log to jaane ti ho ki yeh shayar log kitne independant hote hai. To humare shayar ko yeh ehsaan lene wali baat kuch pasand nahi aayi. To woh bola....
EHSAAN KISI KA KYA LENA, HUM TO MUTH PE GUZAARA KARTE HAI
EHSAAN KISI KA KYA LENA, HUM TO MUTH PE GUZAARA KARTE HAI
JAB BHI YAAD UNKI AATI HAI, OOTH OOTH DUBARA KARTE HAI
Mahebooba kabhi waapis nahi aayi. To uski yaad bhula ne ke liye wohi shaayar Delhi chala Gaya. Wahan jab Qutub Minar dekha to bola:
DEKH KE QUTUB MINAR, SHAYAR KA DIMMAG DODA
ASMAAN KO CHODNE CHALA DHARTI KA LAUDA
Is par Delhi police ki gaand mein khujli hui to usse pakad liya gaya aur court mein pesh kiya gaya. Jab Judge sahiba ne poocha "tumhe kuch kehna hai?" to woh bola:
AIYE SANAM, UTHA KALAM
MUJHE KASAM HAI RABKI
MUJHE KASAM HAI RABKI
MAA CHOD DOONGA SABKI...
On such a contempt of court, he was ordered to be hanged till death. When he was burried, the judge sahiba visited his grave. Needless to say she was very mad so she pissed on his grave.. Judge sahiba ke jane ke baad shayar ke bhoot ne ek arz farmaya...
WO AAYE HUMARI KABAR PAR, AUR MUTT KAR CHALE GAYE
WO AAYE HUMARI KABAR PAR, AUR MUTT KAR CHALE GAYE
MUTNE KA TO BAHANA THA, WOH CHUT DIKHAKAR CHALE GAYE...
Kya Aap Kabhi Lun Bane ho ?
Ravi Went To A Chemist Shop And Asked For A Condom Of His Size .
The Shop Owner Was Astonished To See Him Ask A Condom Of His Size.
So The Owner Told The Man To Place A Order And Come Back After One Week .
Ravi Places The Order And Goes Home. After One Week He Comes Back To The Shop Takes The Condom And Goes To His Home . The Shop Owner Feels Something Fishy About This So He Calls The Police And Tells Them About The Condom Issue.
The Police Taught That He Must Be Smuglling . The Police Goes To His Place , Ravi Lived On The Third Floor . When The Police Broke Opened The Door They Saw That Ravi Was Wearing That Big Condom.
So The Poice Says : "hands Up , Sala Suar Ka Baccha Smuglling Karega Itna Bada Condom Pehan Ke Apne Baap Ke Shaadi Main Jaa Raaha Hai Kya ? "
At This Ravi Replied : " Nahi Saahab , Aaj Ground Floor Main Fancy Dress Competition Hai Aur Main Usme Lund Ban Raha Hoon".